Before we were married, we only met with Pastor Jim twice out of three premarital sessions. I remember him laughing as only Pastor Jim can, semi-jokingly asking us if we knew what we were getting ourselves into.
Beyond that, one thing has always remained in our minds and in our hearts from these two sessions with him....
From here on in, NEVER use the "D" word. Not even as a joke (ie. "If you don't start keeping the sheets tucked in the bed, I want a divorce! haha!").
Divorce is not an option, divorce is not a joke, it's not to be taken lightly, it's not what we signed up for, it's not in God's plan and it's not in our vocabulary.
I am proud to say that neither Kris nor I have ever used the "D" word when referring to our relationship or our marriage, NOT even as a joke.
I really feel that those words from Pastor Jim 'Never use the D word,' 'Erase it from your vocabulary' and 'Don't even use it as a joke!' were truly words of wisdom. Even a "d" joke could harm the one you love, and it could even cause a crack in the relationship and allow that idea to seep inside...
I've always appreciated that seed of wisdom and I thought I would share it.
Another note on this topic...Jeremy M. at work was talking to a customer (from high school who had a twin brother?) They were kinda catching up on where they were in life and the guy said that either he or his brother were getting or had gotten divorced (I can't remember.) I really appreciated Jeremy's take on the conversation. Essentially he said that divorce was like throwing away part of your life...Let's say you are 30 and you've been with your spouse in a relationship for 10 or 15 years...When you get divorced, you throw those years of your life away (33%-50% GONE!).
Those memories in your mind and even literally in photo albums become what to you? Worthless.
If you get remarried there's a part of your life and memories you have to tip toe over because it's not like your new spouse wants to hear about the good ol' days with your ex....It's so much better to try to get through the tough times, after all ...you chose your spouse to walk through life with you as one who loves you enough to be there for you through the tough times in life. Shouldn't you not only be there for your spouse through the tough times and even when your spouse IS the "tough time" you are going through? For better or for worse....Isn't it so much easier not to throw that part of your life and that friendship away. To work. To find counsel. To pray and believe for your relationship. To believe that the love that brought you together will be and can be resurrected even in the difficult times. To know that God gave you each other and He can get you through it! Maybe I've fleshed out more than what Jeremy said, but I want his gist to get across here...
I have heard of relationships with serious affairs on one side of the relationship. The spouse who was hurt-a man of faith...stayed with his wife. Worked through the pain and believed God for healing, and the marriage is still together and they are working through it. I'm sure they have hard times, but I believe they do love each other now...I have so much respect for this man! Not many spouses male or female would stay around and let a marriage heal after this....Talk about forgiveness! Talk about love and commitment! Talk about a marriage REALLY going through the fire!
I am seeing marriages today break up for SO much less than what this man went through. People are giving up on their marriages left and right and it's really been paining me to see. I have stayed awake an night praying for relationships that I know of that are being given up on. I have shed tears for these people! I've heard so many people say "we are great friends when we are not together." If only people could remember their vows and work at their relationship. I believe people who were friends before and during marriage, and while separated can IF THEY WORK AT IT get along in their marriage as well. I don't want to sound like I'm judging anyone, I'm not. I just wish we as a society and especially as Christians would stop giving up on our marriages...
When I wish people a happy anniversary these days I mean it hard core because I know for some it takes work, it's a battle and they made it made it where other have "feared to tread!" (they've made through that time line of "'til death do we part").
If the man I mentioned earlier can love his wife and reconcile through the worst of marriage hardships, how can so many people throw away so much for so little?
I am sorry, I have to vent this because my heart has been very, very heavy burdened for some people lately and I really wanted to share at least those seeds of wisdom from Pastor Jim. The rest may seem like ramblings but I needed to get it all out and YOU, reader, are my outlet. Thanks for stopping by! I love you all and pray God's covering and blessing over your household.
My wish for my reader: Married friends of mine, maybe even separated friends of mine and those who may marry in the future, please delete the "d" word from your vocabulary now. Don't wait. Do not let it enter your relationship, your heart or your mouth. Tell your spouse.
And tell them you love them for better or for worse would ya?
(I sincerely hope this didn't sound pious, that was not my intention.)
6 comments:
Hey, I totally understand your burden and I can't tell you how many times I've carried that same heart. I'm happy that you shared your heart about it, so few people do...
on another note... would you be home on Fri a.m.? I thought maybe we could take a stroll that way, though if you have a vehicle for any other morning this week, we could work something out. We have a new/used swing set that maybe Cailen would enjoy.
love and miss you!!!
Oh yeah, my phone is dead, that's why I left the lengthy message here. I should have a working phone by tonight though!
Thanks for sharing this, Becky. Josh & I will celebrate 11 years this Saturday, and we feel like we were so blessed by the wise counsel we received. The one that's stuck with me all these years (in addition to the one you mentioned)?
"As much as you can, as much as is humanly possible, keep the words 'always' and 'never' out of your marriage; as in, 'You always...,' or 'You never...' It's NEVER ALWAYS true."
Over and over, I have been grateful that we stayed away from that pitfall. When the hard times come, as they always will, it's one less tool the enemy uses to cause you to hurt the love of your life.
I'll join you in praying for our marriages, Becky. Thanks for such a loving, reflective post.
Love ~ P
thanks Becky, I will remember what you said and hide it in my heart for the future. it is so important that we not even put the seeds out into the atmosphere. thanks for sharing! I love you
Unfortunately many people have become "leasers" instead of "buyers." Too many miles, the "check engine" light comes on or the new car smell is gone and they're looking to trade it back in for another model.
Tell me though what kind of cars draw the attention of people whenever they drive. It's the car that someone has lovingly maintained, invested in and cared for for so many years. That's why it's called a "classic."
Great heartfelt wisdom Beck on such an important topic.
totally agree with you, paige and jeremy!!! today we are all about instant and desposable. i want it now and when im done i wanna get rid of the evidence fast! it's so sad that sometimes we let people and relationships fall into that category! it's very sound advice, and (maybe because i'm not there, but) i did not find it too preachy. thanks for caring enough to go out on a limb!
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